


coffee is crack

by Lackadaisical Fox (TheIncognitoFox)



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Anyways, Avengers Tower, Crack, Domestic, Domestic Avengers, Gen, Humor, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, JARVIS is ALIVE, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) Lives, Pre-Civil War (Marvel), actually bruce is the dad, and natasha is gay, bc im not funny lmao, bruce is a dad, bruce is all dad, except its probably not funny, i wrote this when i was like. barely awake, jarvis hates everyone, literally why am i posting this, nobody remembers who clint is, steve is old and cold, this is literal complete crack, thor likes memes, tony wants to die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 14:27:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8105890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIncognitoFox/pseuds/Lackadaisical%20Fox
Summary: "He had just wanted a goddamn cup of coffee."This is actual, real, 100% crack. Grammar is a no-go. Nothing makes sense. Living with other Avengers is a hell of a ride. Have fun.





	

**Author's Note:**

> once again, if you've made it this far:
> 
> 100% crack is ahead.
> 
> expect nothing serious or in character.
> 
> at least it was fun to write ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯
> 
> i am trash and so is this

Holy doodlenoodle Tony was more tired than Natasha was obviously gay, and by that he meant he fell asleep in the middle of that thought and had to think of it again. Like any intelligent, sleep-deprived person would do, he decided to go downstairs and get himself a cup of coffee.

unfortunately nothing was that simple or pleasant.

The poor half-lucid man was lost for words for a second. What was the america boy doing? There was no lightbulb there.

“Steve,” he slurred. Man. he really needed that coffee. Coffee first, questions later, he decided, as he walked to the coffee machine.

“Hello, tony,” the patriotic son of a bitch replied. Tony put a mug on the thing and slapped the coffee machine a bit until it started to work. (in reality, jarvis took pity on him and just started the thing remotely.)

He didn’t answer until the entire cup of coffe had succesfully been drank. Fortunately he was too asleep to feel the burning pain, but, yolo.

“Steve what are you doing,” tony finally said, having risen in levels of actually being awake.

“Well. phone reception towers are up high, yes?”

Tony squinted. “I suppose.”

“I am having bad reception.” he gestured down to the stool he was standing on. “So, i am putting my phone higher.”

“Is your arm not tired.”

“No.”

tony had to admit he was impressed. Steve must have been holding his arm directly up in order to press his phone against the ceiling for a while at that point. Immediately, his impress went away, as he rememberwered why Cap was doing what he was.

“Steven my good budy. I have a question.”

“What is it, Tony?”

“Why are you this way.”

“I was cold”

“True,” tony said and fingergunned, then drank another cup of coffee. “Wait. why didn’t you just go.. Up the stairs..?”

Steve looked at him, a serious look in his eyes, as he glanced to wherever the hell the stairs were. “I have never been past this level, Stark.”

Wow. “i see.” more coffee.

He was just getting ready to leave, as he didn’t think he could stand more of steve trying to get cell reception while he had airplane mode on, when eaglylens rolled in through the elevator. Yess. rolled. He was on a frickedy fracking hoverboard.

“Clant WHY” tony complained as he saw what used to be his friend now consumed by this poleless segway.

“My name is Clint, not Clant,” he slide on another pair of sunglasses, “and i know youre just jealous of how cool i am.”

“No.” Tony replied, honestly.

“Lint? My comrade? I do not know what you are on, but that is not okay.” Steve finally stepped from the stool, evidently giving up and putting his phone in his pocket.

“My name is Clint, and this is far from okay. This is ssuper radical.” he vrrom vroomed into the kitchen, knocking over tony as he went.

“Dont talk to me or my robot children ever again…” tony could only hope natasha would be able to talk him out of this foolishness. Speaking of the lady, she has arrived.

“Hello, everybody,” she announced, kicking open the elevator doors.

“Please do not damage the elevator,” JARVIS intoned from the speakers. He was unhappy. _But at least he was alive_

“What have you been up to my good friend?” Mr. America, the buddy bud, asked her.

“Well. You know.” she glanced back and forth. “Just normal things. That straight people do.” she started sweating. “Like looking at men. And only having gal-pals.”

“Natasha, you are about as straight as Clink is cool.” tony saw through her wall of lies, as clearly as he could see into the elevator shaft, now that the doors were broken.

“My name is Clint and that’s not true because Natasha isn’t straight,” pidgeonorbs reminded.

“Yes, i am… i have no idea why youd think otherwise.. Men are…” she gulped.. “Attractive…”

“Boobs,” Tony said.

“Where?” spider lady perked up and looked around the room.

“Jesus Christ” was unanimously said by all but good ol’ captain america, who politely said ‘diddly darn’.

“I was just. Asking. So i would know where they were and i wouldn’t look at them on accident./” natasha seemed disappointed.

Tony was not sure why he remained up here. Ah, yes. Because natasha had destroyed the entrance to the elevator and he was still not coordinated enough to use the stairs. Hey, at least thor wasn’t ther-

“HELLO MY BROTHERS”

shit

“i want to die” tony accidentally said out loud.

Thor pointed at him. “SAME. MAN OF IRONY.” 

Tony sighed.

“What’s up homie?” clint asked him, still on the hoverboard.

Tony was still sighing.

“WELL, BROTHER FARTON, I AM UP, AS I AM LEVITATING. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE SHOULD BE UP?”

Tony sigh increased by like 70%.

“My name’s Barton, and no, what else should be up?”

“YOUR DICKS. FOR HARAMBE.”

Tony’s sigh slowly escalated into an aaa. “HhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA.” at that point, he was screaming, silently.

Thor pointed at him. “Same.”

“Ah yes. Dicks.” natasha squinted. “What.. pleasant things..”

“Shut the fcuk up natasha your gay” clint said from somewhere behind her.

“Oh. okay.” she has succumbed.

“I hope you all die,” tony said, honestly.

“I agree, sir,” Jarvis said. He was unhappy.

Then, the saving dad- i mean, grace- walked in. it was bruce, with his glasses and newspaper and dad clothes.

“Hi dad,” they all said, “i mean bruce.”

“Hello tony, steve, Natasha, thoR, and clont.” Bruce crossed his legs and sat on the couch.

“It’s clint,” clint said.

“Why is tony calmly yelling?” bruce asked, after a few minutes.

“BECAUSE HARAMBE,” thor answered, truthfully.

Tony hated everything and wanted to go back downstairs but he was on his fifteenth cup of coffee and it still wasn’t enough. He was going to hit Crint in his dumb face with his dumb hoverboard if he couldn’t go soon.

Just as he thought it couldn’t get worse, he looked up, and saw clint had plugged his phone into the stereo. Natasha had evidently noticed as well.

Tony’s yelling increased in volume, as Natasha reached forward, “NO-”

_Work work work work work work_

Steve was already dancing.

_He say me have to_

“holy fuckaroni,” tony remarked as he watched the devastation spread.

Natasha had been taken. Thor, too. Even tony could feel it start to get to him.

_Work work work work work work_

Dad- he meant Bruce- hadn’t been able to resist it. Neither had the man of iron. There they were, a room full of dysfunctional adults, dancing wildly in a way they could literally not control.

Clint whipped. Tony literally smacked him with the hoverboard and he fell. Jarvis, the true protagnoist and hero of this story, shut off the radio.

“WHY.” Thor asked, staring at the archery fucker accusingly.

Hawkeye was on the floor, unconcious, but bruce was not, so hulk dad guy spoke for him. “Because he’s a piece of shit.”

“True.” natasha said.

Tony took his chance and flung himself down the elevator shaft. He hit the bottom, miraculously unharmed because, like, swag, pried open the doors, and ran into his lab. He was free.

He had just wanted a goddamn cup of coffee.


End file.
